I’m an adult living at home with my parents for financial reasons; they are in their late 60s/early 70s.
My father has been watching pornography in shared spaces in the house, usually on his phone and on mute, but I can see it over his shoulder.
I first noticed this happening at night when he thought everyone had gone to bed. My arriving downstairs would result in a furtive jump and him hastily putting the phone down. It has now increased to include times when he is alone in a separate room during the day.
I also need to log out of my streaming services on the family television due to unwanted recommendations resulting from a mysterious watch history. I keep track of the devices logged in and can tell that these entries came from the television in the living room during the day.
I wonder if this is due to loneliness or some other social trigger? I have also observed an increase in his looking at women in the street, but that may just be me noticing more due to hypervigilance caused by the other incidents.
I’m starting to feel extremely uncomfortable in my own home, feeling the need to loudly “announce” my arrival into a room out of a fear of what I might stumble on.
I would like to find a way to broach the subject and gently suggest that these activities would be better confined to a private space, but I don’t want to shame him. If it’s caused by loneliness or something lacking in his life, I don’t want to make this worse. I did try to talk to my mother about it, but the conversation was shut down.
It is important to remember that this is your dad’s “own home” too and, if we set aside the subject matter for a minute, I wonder how comfortable he feels in it at the moment. He may well regard a separate room as a private space.
But let’s address the porn issue. “You’re being exposed to your father’s sexuality,” says psychoanalyst and psychologist Dr Stephen Blumenthal, “in ways that you shouldn’t be.”
There is, of course, a generation of young people now who can’t afford to live independently and this is probably an issue – both ways – for many.
The first thing to do is rule out a neurological reason. “However unlikely, it’s important to rule out cognitive changes connected with ageing, as this might contribute to reduced impulse control,” says Blumenthal. So a trip to the GP may be in order. This may not be easy, I appreciate, neither is it your responsibility to facilitate it. But maybe, if you are approaching it from a health point of view, your mum may help. Are there other symptoms, such as forgetfulness or confusion?
I also discussed with Blumenthal why people watch porn and it may not be as obvious as you think. “It’s often a means of dealing with grief, mourning and depression,” he said. “It’s a way of anaesthetising and he may be at that age where he’s mourning something.”
As you suggest, loneliness may be at the heart of this. It is a distraction for him but it works only while he’s watching it. “In this way it’s like a drug,” said Blumenthal. “It’s very stimulating but then you’re thrown back into feeling ashamed, guilty and even worse than before. It’s a temporary patch for a more permanent problem.” So you are absolutely right not to make him feel ashamed.
If he’s doing it in ways he may be “caught”, this may be a cry for help. But it doesn’t sound like that, more that he has a slight compulsion and can’t help himself.
I’m a strong believer that a child, even an adult one, shouldn’t get involved in the intimate lives of their parents. But it seems as if your dad’s boundaries are getting a little storm-damaged and you may need to rebuild them.
You could ask your dad more generally if he’s OK. You could then try to draw some technical boundaries and show him – without going into the why – how to log out of things “as otherwise people can see everyone else’s history”. This may be enough for him to get the hint. Some streaming services can also be set up to have individual profiles.
If this doesn’t fix the problem then you may have to be as calm and as nonjudgmental as possible and say something like: “I’ve noticed you watching some adult things. I know it’s your house, but I feel uncomfortable sometimes walking into a room you are in.”
I was also interested in your “hypervigilance” with your dad. Some problems lessen in significance when our own lives grow richer.
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